If you are here then you must be a fan of Coach Hines. Coach Hines is expertly portrayed by Keegan-Michael Key (pictured right), a current cast member of MADtv. What is not to like about this guy? Everybody has had, or has at least seen a gym/P.E. teacher like Coach Hines.
Overbearing might be an understatement when describing Coach Hines demeanor.
"Tuck that shirt in, or I will guide you through a table saw"
"You mother grabber"
"New strategy, lose this game and I will murder you...... Every single one of you, multiple stab wounds"
"If that guy gets past you, I am going to cut your body in half with the edge of a coin... It can be done, I saw it on CSI New York, not the original one, New York....."
"Your gonna get it in the neck!"
"Old lady, after the game, shot to the head!"
"You're gonna get a blow dart"
"After the game, alphabetical order, mass murder"
"How about a crossbow, medieval style!"
"What are you laughing at, Yamanashi?!"
"I'm sick of it!"
"Do you wanna die Mr. Haniken? Do you wanna expire?"
"Are you lost chief?"
"Son of a mother duck!"
"You secure it son or I will staple it!"
"I'm gonna punch your heart through the back of your body!"
"Son of a mother's lover!"
"Son of a pork-eatin' mother!"
"Son of a brick!"
"Now listen up, or I'm cutting your ears off with shears."
"You get up on him and play some D, or you'll be dead and buried before the Amber Alert goes out!"
"You got a new name Hail Mary full of bullets, how about that?"
"I don't know how I'll do it but i will make you caucasian."
"Stop it or I'll set you on fire!"
"Get that iPod out of your melon holes, or I will download my left cleat in your fart chimney!"
"I will stab you in the neck with a pencil!"
"I will throw a match in that gas tank!"
"What are you laughing at Hamly?! I swear this chalk is going up your nose and out your finger! And that's IMPOSSIBLE!!"
"If you two porkholes... even get near that thought -- I will kill you. And I won't be creative about it, I'm just gonna take you out in broad daylight, shoot you in the back of the head and pay the consequences."
"You tell it to the nurse, squatjob! Now you're gonna get in there right now, and you're gonna fill this cup with your pee, or I swear to God in heaven, I'm gonna stick a fire hose inside of you, and you're gonna have pee comin' outta holes you didn't know you had!"
"I'm going to remove your duodenum."
"Here's the envelope and you just pushed it!"
"Here's the line, and you just...crossed it!"
"Yaminashi, I dream of the day when medical science will allow me to be shrunk into a microscopic size, and injected into your spinal fluid. Once there, I will travel in a miniature sub, through your body, and into your brain meat. Then I will take a pill that will allow me to grow into a normal size, exploding your skull bone, and rendering your body into a pink mist."
"Holy mother of God on earth, and in heaven at the exact same time!"
"Listen one more crack out of you like that I swear to God I'm going to take that gun, I'm going to shove it up your fudge shovel and I am going to paint the ceiling of the of the Sisten Chapel on the inside of your transverse and sigmoid colon."
I particularly get a lot of laughs out of Coach Hines as I am a high school teacher, and have been heard uttering some Coach Hines phrases when dealing with particulary obnoxious students. Unfortunately I teach social studies so I don't have any opportunity to wear the hiked up shorts or to wear a whistle.
My favorite episode has to be "Career Hell" as Coach Hines
gets to comment on the faults of the other presenters. However, my favorite character for Coach Hines to interact with is Yaminashi. Their interactions are so funny that even Bobby Lee (pictured left), who plays Yaminashi, frequently can't keep a straight face. I would say that Yaminashi is the person that Coach Hines dislikes the most.
My favorite Coach Hines quote definitely has to be, "I don't care what your orthodontist says, a hat is a hat!" as he takes a student's head gear off, twists it all up, throws it on the floor, and stabs it with a pencil. This is from "The Memorial" episode.
So, what is your favorite episode, Coach Hines quote, and Coach Hines episode character? Who is the greatest Coach Hines fan? Lets get the discussion or even the debate going! Click on "comments" below and let everyone know what a huge Coach Hines fan you are.
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